Weekend shorties

Before you all (the 6 of you who read me) think that I'm a negativist complainy-pants bastard, let me go back on track with my travel tales. After all, it is the main reason of my presence here, and it is not like I am gonna let the deficient school administration ruin my stay.

Despite my light workload (20 hours of class a week), I keep myself quite busy with the gym, my
Chinese lessons and my participation in the students' extracurricular activities. Also, of course, I have some class prep and grading to do, but I usually try to finish by Friday so I can enjoy my week-end and to be able to travel. Gongyi is okay, but a change of scenery is always more than welcome. I am quite lucky here, as the attractions nearby are numerous, interesting and for the most part, inexpensive.

The only thing is, well, everytime I come back with my head full of stories for this blog, but by the time I find some place in my schedule to write it down, the following week-end is around the corner! To solve this, what I'm gonna do right now to recap the last few weeks is just a few short stories instead of long, detailed ones.

October 31st - November 2nd

On Friday night, some of my colleagues were supposed to do a presentation in the library to describe what is Halloween to the clueless Chinese students. The presentation was cancelled if I remember well, so we just had a last-minute Halloween party at Ryan and Julie's. Despite the short notice and my lack of resources, I still managed to assemble a badass samurai headgear with my motorbike helmet, pieces of cardboard and two half bananas covered with Doritos foil paper as horns.

In fact, everybody managed to create a nice costume with their limited stuff, it was cool. Some went outside for a while to hide in the bushes and scare the shit out of couples looking for a quiet spot to make out. The party was nice and relax, and with Jack's departure, the average alcohol consumption of the foreign staff had decreased by three gallons. Myself, however, let loose, and abused a bit of the Harbin beer and the 2.5 L bottle of "wine" I had bought in Luoyang the week before. The party then moved to a KTV (karaoke) place downtown, where we sang cheesy-ass tunes and drank Heineken (one of the three western beers available in Gongyi). My friends woke me up when it was time to go, and I guess booze improves my foreign language ability, because I talked to the taxi driver myself and he fully understood. That, or he knew that there is ONLY one place in Gongyi where laowai stay.

The next Sunday, I took part into what didn't seem much at first, but ended up being a load of fun. Brendan, Phill and I went for a hike behind the school, in these mountainous farm areas. It's really crazy, I mean, the reason why I came here is to see different sceneries, and here, a mere 10 minute walk from my appartment, I was in a small village carved in the clay hills. Well, actually, I've been there before, for the second Chinese wedding and also for my jogging three-four times a week (back then... when it was still warm in the morning and I wasn't a lazy bastard). Past the village, there are hills, hills and more hills. The farmers manage to flatten some areas and grow some crops in the dry clay, they are pretty damn skilled. We also witnessed Chinese engineering at its best, with the construction of a segment of the fast train track.

We walked for like 6 hours. After getting lost a few times, we finally made it back to the college, covered with dirt and the shins still bloody from all these dry thorn bushes.

November 7th - November 9th

On a cold November day, the whole crew (Ryan, Julie, Jess, Phill, Brendan and Félix) got together and headed to Hua mountain (华山), one of the five sacred mountains of China. Well, those for Daoism, because there is another group of 4 sacred mountains for Buddhism. Anyway... The overnight train ride was about 6-7 hours, as we took the slow train. Sometimes, the train stopped completely for half an hour, just so another train can pass us. It was damn long... but at least we had guaranteed seats (see the Kaifeng story). I bought a copious amount of beer to make the ride faster, as I thought that a light buzz would help me sleep... but instead, I had to go pee every damn 20 minutes, and then the headache would keep me awake and uncomfortable.

We finally got to destination. Hua Shan is actually located in Shǎnxī province, therefore it was the first time in 2 months that I was leaving Henan... My hopes were up for seeing something different, but of course as soon as I stepped out of the train station, it was just concrete, cold, and Chinese people yelling TAXI TAXI TAXI. We paid an outrageous amount to get to a hotel (it was 5 AM, we were fucking cold and tired) and slept until 10 the next day, just the short amount of shuteye we needed to not die for the hard climb that was about to come.

Hard climb, it was! Nothing to say much there, we just walked and walked. The scenery was incredible, I mean, breathfuckingtaking. I've been to the Canadian Rockies, and they ain't got shit on Hua mountain.

During most of the climb, the path is so steep that you don't have a choice to use the stairs carved directly in the rock. I don't know who are the people who carved them, but it must have taken centuries!

We got to 3/4 ish of the way to the top, about where the cable car ends and the lazy-ass tourists smother the place. We could have kept going for a bit, but we had to secure accomodation first, and as we go higher and higher, well, the prices are proportional with altitude. We went down a few hundred meters (it was heartbreaking to go down these steep stairs after sweating every ounce of fluid we got to ascend them) to a guesthouse half carved in the rock. The prices were quite expensive, but considering that everything that they offer has been brought on foot all the way up (I highly doubt they have an helicopter...) and also that there were no other choices, we took it. Jess also managed to bring the price down with her overwhelming bargaining skills, you should have seen the way this poor mountain woman was nervously eyeing towards us in hope that we tried to make Jess stop her pummeling attacks... Anyway... although my bed was hard as a crowbar left in the freezer, and just as cold, I still slept like a baby.

The next morning, Brendan, Phill and I continued our way to the top of the South Peak (or was it the West? damn I forgot). It took us maybe three hours, and once on top, looking at the horizon I felt so peaceful and in harmony with the nature... Until I saw the line that separated the bright blue sky from the grayish haze down below. It is not slightly fading, it is an actual distinct line that splits the sky in two. It is only after witnessing it from above and comparing it with real sky that I realized what kind of crap I've been breathing for weeks and my Chinese friends for years. To quote Phill "I wished I could have came to China in the 1800... before it was like that". Despite that aspect, and the fat Chinese man who threw his trash on the ground 5 m away from a trash bin, the scenery was unspoiled and majestic.

The way down was way more relax, of course, except for some very steep parts where you had to hold on for your life. Our brains were collapsing though, because of the increase in atmospheric pressure as we went down and down. We met with the rest of the crew (who were chilling in a park, chatting with two cool Romanian guys), had a huge meal and then... off to good old Gongyi. My calves felt like footballs full of acid for the next few days but it was worth it.

November 16th-November 18th

On Saturday, I went to the Snow Cave (forgot the Chinese name, anyway you don't care) with Brendan and two students named John and Lisa. It is about an hour away from the city, but still easily reachable with the inexpensive and effective bus system.

I don't have much to say about it, besides the fact that it is, well, a cave. We had to hike for a while in some nice trails, until we got to the entrance. Thanks to the aforementioned students, we got some extremely cheap student tickets that allow us to go to four different attractions around Gongyi.

So yeah, the cave... it is pretty damn big, about 1 km of length and in the largest part, the "ceiling" was something like 40 m above our heads. The most interesting features are the walls coated with some weird white geological formation, hence the name, Snow Cave. It looked like cauliflower a bit more that hard snow, but I guess Cauliflower Cave doesn't sound as poetic.

Some of my colleagues who have been there before told me it is not very worthy going as it is just a cave, but since I have never been to many caves in my life, I think it was totally worth it.

After that, we sat with a nice old lady who took part in the discovery of the cave in the 1960s with her husband. To say I didn't understand much of her speech would be a major understatement, however, as I always carry some Chinese people with me in case these situations happen, I got a translated version of her story.

Then, we hiked around a bit, went to some temples and dragon fountains, before heading back to Gongyi... Another cool attraction to scratch from my to-go list.

November 23th-November 25th

Luoyang here we come!

I've been to Luoyang a few weeks before, but just for a few hours. This time, we (Brendan, Julie and I) were off for the week-end.

Luoyang is just about an hour west of Gongyi. We got there at noon, had lunch then got a room in a NICE hostel. Luoyang is actually a tourist hotspot for a few reasons, such as its location on the way to Xi'an and the Terracotta warriors, the proximity of the Shaolin temple, and also the Longmen Grottoes (renamed the Mediummen Grottoes after I had been there... NO just kidding). The price was a bit high (80 yuan...) but this place is truly majestic. There are hundreds of Buddhas or other dudes carved in the rock, some being dozens of feet high. Even the small ones must have taken so much dilligent work to complete, it was quite amazing to see.

Some of the Buddhas had their faces smashed. We were wondering if this was done during the "cultural revolution", but if it was the case, I guess it would have been a bit more systematic. Anyway, it kinda sucked to see the damaged carvings, but it didn't take away much of the beauty of the place. Of course, there were tons of tourists, even a few laowais.

We got back in town, munched on street food. I had one of the most awesome snacks ever: it was like a pancake folded around an egg, some spices, lettuce, and a pile of crackers. It was weird and delicious. Brendan also got himself some stinky tofu, this kind of fermented abomination that smells like a mix of wet socks and sewer. Apparently it tastes really good but screw that, it's not for me!

We walked around a bit more and more, and then went to a bar with Bob Marley's face painted on the outside wall. It was just one of these small cornerstreet bars, there are so few of them in China. We just had some brews and then headed back to the hostel. I stayed up a bit, chatting with an Australian dude wandering in Asia. It is cool to interact with a different white person once in a while.

The following day, I wasn't feeling top shape... maybe it's the squid on a stick I had as a late snack, combined with the lack of sleep... Anyway, I carried on. We just walked around the old part of town and then went to Carrefour, a French owned supermarket. I bought tons of Western goodies unavailable in Gongyi, such as tabasco (four bottles!), Doritos and Corn flakes. I still didn't find curd cheese or Unibroue beer, but I don't give up.

What else?! I think I covered it all. I don't get why the students are so obsessed by Zhengzhou, Luoyang is definitley cooler.

... more to come!

And give me some news, it's an order!!! Donnez-moi des nouvelles maudit!

A lesson in Chinese unprofessionalism

Here are the rules the people from my college adhere to when comes the time to organize a performing event.

1- Get the students to prepare and practice their performance thoroughly.
2- At all costs, ensure that the technical staff does NOT prepare the equipment whatsoever(microphone checks, speaker maintenance, computers, lights...). Failure to do so could cause the material to be ready for the event, leading to a lack, or Buddha bless us, a complete absence of technical problems during the show.
2.1- If any of the above-mentioned technical problem interferes severely with the students' performance, carry on.
3- Invite some dignitaries. They can be from the college itself or the outside world, it does not matter as long as they look important.
3.1- Get the dignitaries to sit in the very front row.
3.1.1- Make sure that they spend the whole time talking loudly to their dignitary buddies, especially during the performances.
3.2- Invite some foreign teachers to attend the event. Let the promise of a thousand guilt trips float above them if they do not show up. The fact that the foreign teachers understand Chinese or not is regardless, we just need some white faces to exhibit to the above-mentioned dignitaries.
3.3- Have a good-looking, well-dressed, student hostess supply the front row dignitaries with glasses of water or other items of confort. Remember, the performance is about them, not the students.
4- Start late. 20 minutes at least.

The more I spend time here, the more it reminds me of the military. I make a presentation next Monday at Multicultural corner, and my take-shit level is close to zero! We'll see...

My teacher status

Thanks for your e-mails and nice wishes. I am still doing well and I keep on rocking in a Communist world.

The foreign staff has shrunk, with three teachers leaving in the last month or so. The reasons and context will be left undisclosed but let's just say it is a shitty, shitty story. With their departure, the rest of the staff had to take over their classes, which led to a new period on my otherwise free Thursday schedule. I don't complain though as these students are damn fun, one of my best classes by far, and I get some overtime pay ($$$ or should I say 元元元).

The job is still good, the awesome moments still overshadowing the hard/shitty ones. I do my best (and succeed) at focusing on the positive aspects but sometimes it is damn hard to feel like something else than just a "walking advertizing billboard"... Lemme explain.

I am a non-native English speaker, recently graduated with a major that has nothing to do with teaching, with no relevant experience, hired with no real interview to become an English teacher. Doesn’t it seem a little odd to you? Now obviously, although somebody who corresponds to this profile can still be a terrific teacher (and I like to think that you are goddamn right), it still calls for caution. I initially thought that they would supervise and guide the crap out of me, because you know... all the stuff previously mentioned, but no, just "here are your students, your books, now teach!". I don't complain AT ALL, as I like the total freedom of action and I like to think that I get around pretty well, but sometimes it leads me scratching my head wondering about how much of a shit the school actually gives about my performance.

Once in a while, we get a meeting, announced of course 5 minutes beforehand, thus with 1/3 of the foreign staff present. The other ones are not missing out much though, as nothing very important is said at those meetings. The messages for the foreign teachers are not adressed directly, but given to our gatekeeper, Jackson. Jackson being busy from 6 AM to 11 PM with his numerous chores, the chance of us actually getting the message in time is damn low. Oh, and one day, they gave us important information about the midterm exams by sending a mass text message. In Chinese. I WISH I was making this up.

Mindless bitching about some flaws in the school administration? I'm afraid there's more than that. Keep readin'.

As I said before, 成功学院 (Chenggong College) is a private institution. They don't get money from the government, nor a guaranteed flow of students. Therefore, they have to be in "seduction mode" to attract people. In Mississippi, the gas stations advertize with "We have clean restrooms"... well, in China, advertizing with "We have foreign teachers" is a damn good point to attract people. Get it? Well, it must be, considering the overwhelming amount of effort and money that the Foreign affairs office went through just to bring me and the other laowai teachers in China.

When Mercedes-Benz buys some space on a highway to put a giant billboard, they assume and accept from the beginning that the billboard is just gonna stand there and will never weld any metallic parts together, its sole role being advertizement. This analogy comes to life pretty well in my case, when I try to get some academic support but can’t get any, just as if the school did not actually care about what I do, as long as I “am here”. It is not very flattering.

An example of that would be how the school deals with photocopies; to xerox some material here, you need to get the signatures of three deans, each of them having offices in three different buildings, then get the official stamp of the college on your form, and when it is done, you can send the form (in seven exemplaries) to Beijing so it can be ratified by the Mao Zhe Dong mummy. If you are lucky, in six to eight weeks you get your authorization and can do your damn shit photocopies. Or, you can just do like me: go directly to the photocopy office and use a 1/3 French, 1/3 English and 1/3 Chinese creole to express what you want. It works.

Of course, this is slightly exagerated. It is true however that you need the signature of a few people, the first being the secretary of the Foreign language department. However, due to the fact that she is also a part-time teacher and that she has to spend 240 hours a week attending meetings with the dean, she is NEVER AT HER OFFICE. Bang up job indeed! Another classic case of Chinese misplaced overstaffing.

But as I said before, this lack of supervision actually suits me very well. I like the independence, and it actually solves the problem of the irrelevant and crappy textbooks by allowing me to create lessons from scratch without anybody nosing around and telling me to use the ineffective book. According to what I have observed so far, well, my methods seem to work and I have got some good feedback from my students I care about (ie: not my computer science kids). If we add to that the fact that pretty much every other aspect of the job is more than satisying (the money, the buddies, the cool students, the fact that I am travelling every weekend), I am happy. That whole thing sucks for the students though. By not supporting the teachers, the school is basically not supporting its students. They pay a damn large amount of money to attend this college, and I feel that they could get much more of it. There are also tons of other aspects which, in my humble opinion, could be drastically improved, but I won’t even get started! That’s gonna be for another time…

Miscellaneous culture shock part 2 of 100 000 - The Chinese language

Since my arrival in this country, I've constantly made an honest effort to learn the local language. It is far from being easy, as there is virtually no similarity between French/English and 普通话 (Pǔtōnghuà, or standard Mandarin).

Just like everything in life, some aspects are harder and some are easier. Some particularities are also damn funny, but I'll come back to it later.

First, as even the dumbasses among you know, Chinese language use characters, each character being a syllable, often a word itself, and some words have different characters which correspond to them (not the opposite, thank fuck). To be able to read a newspaper and understand 90% of the stuff, you need to know 3000-4000 characters. As shown by some of my buddies who have majored in Chinese in University and thus can read and write pretty well, learning Chinese as a second language is not impossible, although the characters obviously makes things a bit complicated.

So far, I know about 100 characters... but I don't study them very much, as it is damn frustrating and not a priority I have set. I study with pinyin mostly, which is the standardized romanization of chinese characters. The system was initially created (if I'm not mistaken) to allow computer use... just imagine what a keyboard with all tens of thousands of chinese characters would look like! Instead, Chineses (hihihi) just type in roman letters and the computer converts it in characters. The good point of this system is the fact that it is universal and standardized, with tones and everything (unlike the Thai language, which has an alphabet of its own and therefore seldom uses the romanization system).

That leads to my next point: the goddamn tones, the single biggest challenge in learning this language. You see, in Chinese (and in most Asian languages except Japanese), a vowel can be a whole different sound when pronounced at a different pitch. That's a bitch. In non-tonal languages (like, let's say, French, German, Russian, Arabic, Norwegian...), vowels are absolute and that simplifies the pronunciation. In Chinese, if you say ā á ǎ à or a it's not the same thing. At all. Therefore, if you mispronounce a word, you don't just make it hard to understand, but you say a completely different word (mā being mother, mǎ being horse for example). You have to change your pitch while you speak, which is why Chinese people speaking fast sound like they were singing.

Some things make learning Chinese learning quite easy though, well easier than I thought it would be. First, I have an awesome tutor :) Also, apart from the tones, most chinese phonems (sounds) exist also in English. No rolled R, no guttural sounds, no funny-ass click sounds like in Southern African languages. The only sound that Anglos have problems with in Chinese is the French u (ü). Hahaha! Like in the following sentence "Hahaha, maudit Angla, tu suces, t'es pas capable de prononcer ü".

Also, the grammar is pretty damn simple. There is only one word for "he, she, it, him, her, it" and it is tā (which is also the reason why Chinese students always mess up the he and she). Most words are very simple, for example a traffic light is hong lu deng (right green light). The numbers are a joke, it takes one hour to learn how to count to 999.

The most encouraging aspect would be that no matter how bad you are, if you try, Chinese people will support you, smile and give you the thumbs up. Sometimes, in my classes, all I need is to write a character on the board or blabber a few words and even my vegetal, usually unresponsive students will burst into applause. That's pretty cool. I mean, the sight of an unusually white, brown haired, handsome, muscular man is already quite special that when the said white man opens his mouth and Chinese comes out, it is overwhelming. Anyway, Chinese people are more supportive that speakers of other languages if you want my opinion.

So far, my post seems a bit too didactic... Now I am gonna talk about an hilarious aspect of the Chinese language: the word 那个. Well, immaturely funny it is, but I assume it fully. It basically means "that" or "that one", and is used widely as a filler word in informal spoken language (just like "like" in English or "genre" in Quebecois). Therefore, when Chineseses speak informally to each other, you hear 那个... 那个... all the time. They also use this word profusely when they speak in English... when they hesitate or when they want to point something out. The only thing is... 那个 is pronounced Nà ge, which sounds EXACTLY like "nigga". I wish I was making this up.
I don't even flinch now when I hear this kind of exhange:
Teacher: Where is the foreign language department?
Student: Nigga... this building!

However, on my first week of teaching, I wasn't fully aware of this. During an in-class activity about famous people, one student wrote "Micle Jodan" on the board (Michael Jordan). When I asked him who this person is, he replied: "He is a nigga... a famurs basketball player". I wish I could see the face I had after I've heard that!

Night out in Gongyi

Lors de mon deuxième ou troisième week-end en Chine, alors que j’étais encore en mode « expérimentation », je suis allé faire un tour au nightclub le plus branché de Gongyi (le seul), un sympathique endroit nommé Guo Hui. Dès notre arrivée dans place, le LSS se met en marche, avec la quasi-totalité des gens présents qui nous regardent fixement comme si on était des pieuvres mauves géantes.

L’endroit ressemble somme toute aux bars qu’on trouve par chez nous, excepté que le dance-floor est plein de Chinois. Il y a des petites filles de 6 ans, des filles en pyjama et des gros monsieurs saouls en bédaine, au fond rien pour alarmer quiconque a passé suffisamment de temps en Chine pour se rendre compte que ce pays est définitivement fucké et que pas mal tout y est permis (environ 3 temps de Planck est le temps nécessaire pour arriver à ce constat).

Les quelques autres différences dignes de mention sont le dance-floor mécanisé qui bouge de haut en bas au rythme du boum-boum, les remix chinois louches de tounes techno connues et le nuage de boucane qui me fait tousser et qui transforme mes yeux en... yeux de Chinois (les lois anti-fumée sont pas encore passées ici). Ce qui rend l’expérience assez intéressante, cependant, ce sont les bar girls.

J’avais assez fouairé en Thaïlande pour penser être familier avec le concept de bar girls et savoir comment profiter de ce qu’elles ont à offrir sans me faire crosser. En gros, une bar girl est une employée du bar, la plupart du temps située entre « très jolie » et « Shizam! », dont le rôle est d’attirer des clients, de les faire rester le plus longtemps et si possible revenir. Pour ça, tous les moyens sont bons, et ces créatures dépravées n’ont aucun scrupules à les utiliser.

Dès notre entrée, le LSS (Laowai Superstar Status) se met en marche et les employés nous accueillent avec des « Hallooo! » plein d’enthousiasme. C’est ainsi que on se fait diriger dans une espèce de loge avec vue sur tout et apporter une quantité gigantesque de vodka par des hôtesses qui se gênaient pas d’en prendre shooter après shooter, assises lascivement à nos côtés sur la banquette. En tant que fier abuseur, je profitais de tout ce que je pouvais en payant le moins possible. Mon pote Tony, de son côté, avait une des bar girls après lui comme ça avait aucun sens. Il ne pouvait faire un seul geste sans qu’elle fasse pareil. Sauf durant ses shifts de danse sur les speakers évidemment, après quoi elle revenait en l’espace de trois secondes pour se gaver de vodka et refaire son petit jeu avec Tony. Je trouvais son insistance pas mal drôle.

Comme vous vous en doutez sûrement, la majorité, sinon la quasi-totalité des Chinois ne parle pas anglais. Presque tout le monde connaît quelques mots, la plupart du temps des citations de films ou de chansons et donc du stock complètement inutile, en plus des mots de base qu’un enfant apprend en premier. C’est ainsi qu’après un tour aux toilettes, je me lave les mains avec un grand Chinois au lavabo d’à côté qui me regarde fixement avec un gros sourire béat. Quand Tony se pointe pour lâcher une pisse ensuite, le Chinois me pointe d’un geste tellement brusque que j’en fais le saut. « YOU! YOU! ME! HAAAPPPYY!!! » Je l’ai ri longtemps.

La soirée se déroulait normalement, de façon plutôt monotone comme à chaque fois que je vais dans un bar, ce qui me pousse à me demander à chaque fois quelle genre de pas-de-vie il faut avoir pour aller dans ces endroits à chaque esti de semaine. Après quelques heures et quelques autres événement comiques indignes de mention, je commençais à me demander comment dire « sausage fest » en Chinois, alors il était temps pour nous de partir. Évidemment, Yaya (la bar girl après Tony) nous accompagne jusqu’à la porte et même dehors, et c’est ainsi que le point d’orgue de la soirée survint. Il y a une gang de Chinois dehors, dont un qui semble très très hostile à l’idée qu’un Laowai soit sur le point de quitter les lieux avec une Chinoise (ce qui n’était pas le cas, mais qui semblait l’être). Ce Chinois fâché avait l’air d’avoir 15 ans et était juste cute, comme un petit caniche quand il veut avoir l’air agressif. On s’engouffre dans le taxi en l’ignorant, et alors que le taxi s’éloigne, il nous lâche un « Fackuh You! » qui depuis ce temps est un de nos inside jokes. Je sors ma tête par la fenêtre et rétorque avec une vulgarité chinoise, et à voir la réaction des bouncers, j’ai prononcé correctement.

Le lendemain, sur le campus, je revois Tony. Il a l’air confus et inquiet, je lui demande ce qui se passe. Il me montre ensuite sa boîte de réception sur son cell, il a reçu 23 messages, tous de la même personne. Je vous laisse le soin de deviner qui! Évidemment, elle lui demande d’aller au bar ce soir-là aussi, mais on est rendu dimanche à ce point.

Quatre semaines passent ensuite, et Tony continue de fréquenter cet endroit chaque samedi et de se créer un réseau social composé de filles à la moralité douteuse et aussi de quelques hommes à l’immoralité indubitable. Chaque dimanche matin il me régalait avec deux ou trois de ces histoires, jusqu’à ce que je finisse par retourner faire mon tour.

On hop dans un taxi, et dès qu’on arrive sur les lieux, Yaya lui saute au cou avec un enthousiasme décidément pas fake, ce qui me pousse à me questionner sur son rôle de bar girl. « Hey Tony, elle le sait-tu que t’es marié et que t’as deux kids? » Le pire c’est que oui. Tony m’explique qu’il a toujours été un genre d’aimant à Chinoises, même du temps ou il avait un pad frisé et une barbe.

On se fait installer dans nos banquettes confortables et apporter une copieuse quantité de boissons alcoolisées. En plus de Yaya, collée à Tony comme un chaton frileux, un autre individu s’assoit avec nous. Il a la peau brun pâle, les cheveux longs en queue de cheval, une casquette écrit Fire Department (rien d’autre) et un coat de cuir entrouvert sur une camisole avec un gros 76. Je le trouve pas mal cool. Il parle pas anglais, et de ce qu’il me dit en chinois tout ce que je comprends est « wo lai zi Thaiguo » (je viens de Thaïlande). Je parle pas assez chinois pour être capable de demander qu’est-ce qu’il crisse dans une petite ville inconnue de Chine centrale alors je me contente de boire avec lui en regardant Tony essayer de contrôler l’indubitable énergie sexuelle de Yaya, en brave homme marié qu’il est.

Dans ce bar, il y a des genre de live shows qui arrivent au milieu de la soirée. Il y a d’abord une des bar girls qui fait un strip intégral, debout sur le bar (ce qui est extrêmement cool) suivi d’un show au cours duquel aucune superbe Chinoise ne montre ses tits (ce qui est pas mal moins cool). La première fois que j’y suis allé, c’était un genre de show de comédie avec le DJ et une des bar girls, c’était crissement long et même les Chinois trouvaient pas ça drôle. Cette fois, la direction du bar a mis le paquet, avec un chanteur invité… de Bangkok, Thaïlande. Ah, c’est pour ça qu’il est là! Dès lors, on se met à le désigner sous le nom de TPS (Thai Pop Star).

Puisqu’une image vaut mille mots, un vidéo doit bien en valoir 3-4 millions… même si il est de qualité douteuse. Le vidéo est une gracieuseté de mon buddy Shawn, maintenant de retour au Michigan à manger des tacos.

Il est important de mentionner que sur le deuxième vidéo, son pichet de liquide orange fluo contient quand même le quart d’une bouteille de vodka et qu’il en a bu deux.

On quitte le bar vers 1h30 du matin pour aller manger. Le groupe est constitué de TPS, Tony, Yaya, une autre bar girl et moi. On va au steakhouse, c’était la première fois j’y allais alors j’étais heureux. C’est juste une fois rendu au milieu du restaurant que je constate l’absurde de la situation et que j’éclate d’un des pires fous rires que j’ai eu depuis longtemps; je suis là, sur le point de partager un repas de minuit avec deux bar sluts chinoises et un pop star thaï. Bon, je l’admets, c’est pas si absurde que ça comme situation, mais je connais personne à qui ça arrive régulièrement et de plus j’étais assez avancé. Le steakhouse est vraiment cool, la viande est cuite pas mal différemment de par che nous, elle est pas grillée, mais cuite sur une plaque de fonte. Quand la serveuse te l’amène, le steak est encore tout grésillant et il faut tenir sa serviette de table perpendiculaire à la table pour pas recevoir des gouttes. Je commande rien, mais anyway TPS me donne quelques bouts de son steak et les deux bar girls me donnent le leur quasiment au complet. Après tout, ils ont une taille d’anorexique à conserver si ils veulent garder leur job.

Ce qui me pousse vers mon dernier point; j’avais remarqué que Yaya avait des galles sur un de ses avant-bras. Quand je lui ai demandé (gestuellement) c’est quoi, elle a mimé des brûlures de cigarettes. J’en ai pas fait de cas, après tout, tout le monde connaît un cave au moins qui a joué à « chicken » avec des bouts de cigarettes quand il était saoul. Et comme cette fille-là n’est pas exactement une sommité intellectuelle et que son emploi consiste à danser sur des speakers et boire de la vodka… j’admettais toute possibilité.

C’est juste quelques jours plus tard, en checkant les photos sur mon ordinateur, que j’ai remarqué « bâtard de marde, les autres filles en ont aussi!

Je me suis alors rappelé de comment Yaya s’est faite engueuler par un des bouncers avant de pouvoir aller au steakhouse et de comment elle arrêtait pas de chiâler (au sujet de sa job, selon Tony).

Coudon, ça se peut-tu que ces filles-là se font maltraiter purement et simplement? Calisse d’esti. D’ici à ce que cette question-là soit éclaircie, je remets pus les pieds là.

Good times at Fei Te Ni Si

I've started to work out in the gym located downtown Gongyi. It's a nice, modern gym with everything you need, and the only thing that seems different from your average Western fitness center is the huge Buddha on the front counter, the Yao Ming posters and the poor English translations on the machines.

It is conveniently located and I got a very good deal as I just took over the membership of one of my colleagues who is leaving China. Well, I could have had it for free, but I still gave him some dough as I would have gotten myself a membership some day anyway.

The gym is named 菲特泥斯, which is pronounced Fei Te Ni Si. Get it? Fei Te Ni Si, Fitness.

I go four times a week (or at least try to); when I go during daytime, it is damn quiet and nobody is in the place except the counter lady and myself. It is way more hectic around 8 at night, with all the regulars being there.

Of course, the Laowai Superstar Status (LSS) is fully kicking in as soon as I set foot in the place. The first time I went, I got my registration papers updated, dropped my stuff in a locker, stretched for a while and then got myself a barbell for my arm supersets. By this time, I had maybe 10 people in a close radius, surrounding myself, observing each and every of my movements. It gets annoying quickly.

Then, of course, people want to engage a conversation, despite the language barrier as large as the fucking Great Wall. They ask about my tattoos, my bike, my job, everything, sometimes three or four dudes at once! My Chinese must be becoming pretty good then, as I understand some of their questions and can even answer some of them! Among the guys from the weight room, there is one that speaks OK English, but for most of them it is limited to “hallo!” and “verrrry strong!”. It is actually quite cool to interact with different people from those at the college, and it forces me to practice my Pu Tong Hua (Mandarin Chinese).

The drawbacks: LSS is pretty cool, I mean I like being the center of attention as much as the next guy, but sometimes… it’s damn too much! I can’t even be resting in between sets without having one of my new Chinese buddies to come by me, assume that I’m doing nothing and then asking me for some random LSS shit. Asking questions I don’t understand, getting me to kick their Gong Fu pads (under copious applause), pointing me the sexy girls running on the treadmill… and of course the classic, asking their buddy to take a picture of them with me. And then, as I think I’m done and can just carry on with my other activities, they take the camera/cell phone from their buddies so they can take their turn being photographed by my side. I wonder if they show these pics at their family dinners “look, ma, this one is me with some white guy I barely know!”

By the time I’m done, I have completely lost my pump and have to start the exercise over. Goddamn!

But don’t get me wrong, I like this interaction. One of the first dudes to come to me, named Weng or something like that, after only two or three minutes of “conversation” (basically just him staring at my tattoos the whole time and muttering some chinese words), well he offered me a nice thoughtful gift in the form of a badass multitool. It has the shape and size of a business card, but is in fact a deadly stainless steel weapon of doom.

We can say lots of things about the Chinese. They are nosy, push around, say weird things, but one sure thing, these mofos are generous.

Anyway, I'm off to 华山 (Hua Mountain). I'll spend the week-end there... looks badass! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hua_Shan

A prochaine!